Marriage is Not 50/50 and What We Learned So Far

How many times have you heard that marriage is about each person giving 50 percent in the relationship to make a hundred? I’ve heard of it more than a dozen times growing up. I never gave it much thought until I was in a relationship but somehow it made sense during my younger years. After all, equal partners need to exert and reciprocate equal efforts in the relationship to make it work. It implies a balanced relationship.

But what we realized in the past several months is that marriage is not 50/50. Life doesn’t come with a predetermined equilibrium where we can measure and allocate our efforts.

Marriage is 100/100 but in many ways, it’s also not.

Both partners—two people—should be giving their best, their 100%, not just half of it.

But in reality, we can’t give 100% all the time, and so can’t our spouses. We get sick, things happen, there are days when 10% is all that we can give, or 10% effort is our 100% at that point in time.

All about compromises

It might be too early to say, but the past year taught me that marriage is a lot about unconditional love and compromise. One example I have for this is how tight-knit Dane’s family is. They get together with extended family several times a year and it’s not something I was used to growing up. I’m also a homebody and would prefer staying home 95% of the time, so marrying someone who belongs to a family that’s super close is extremely tiring. So what we agreed on is that I’ll come to major events like Christmas but not minor ones like a close cousin’s birthday. He can go to all of them if he wants to, but he should not expect me to use up my days off work for all of them.

And choosing your battles

You can be compatible with your spouse but it still doesn’t mean you agree on every little thing. What makes the marriage work better for both parties is choosing your battles—basically, what needs to be surfaced as a conversation that may potentially lead to one of us getting annoyed or maybe even turn to an actual argument.

For example, several times during the start of our marriage when Dane forgets to pick up his hair from the drain after taking a shower. Before he was able to build that habit, there were many times I’d pick it up and not say a thing. (I mean, of course, there were times that I also told him to help him remember, but those were definitely rarer).

Don’t keep a scoreboard

Dane and I have made it a habit to walk our dog together twice a day. But how many times have I been lazy or busy to take Milo out and Dane doing so alone? Or the times I had to redo chores that Dane tried to do but failed (looking at you, clean clothes for folding)?

No one knows. Because no one’s also counting.

Of course, it’s natural to notice when one is doing more tasks or chores. But when you start counting, it puts one of you on a pedestal of superiority. And when you focus too much on what you’re giving and what your partner isn’t, it creates the foundation for resentment.

Constantly communicating

I still largely fail at communicating what I feel on several occasions and I’m not going to sugarcoat that. I tend to keep to myself when the very littlest thing triggers me and Dane is stuck deciphering whether or not he did something wrong or if I’m just too sensitive.

But on the occasions when I did, I can’t emphasize enough how telling Dane exactly what’s on my mind has given me so much relief and solved the problem. Pretty sure that if communicating was easier for me to do, then both Dane and I would be experiencing a lot less stress when I have concerns. Doing it consistently is just one of the many things we learned about communication, and while I still struggle to do so 100% of the time, I’m trying.

Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes it’s 100/100, other times it’s 20/100, 70/40, 100/15, and so on. It doesn’t mean the marriage is failing. It just means that life is not a constant, linear experience. But two people making an effort, whatever it means for that couple, will always make the marriage work.