11 Things to Do to Love an Overthinking Partner

What is overthinking?

Overthinking is dwelling on or worrying about a specific thing repeatedly. People who overthink overanalyze the same thing over and over again until it makes sense to them—both small and big things. In relationships, this can be as small as your tone of voice, a specific word you used, or a gesture or even the lack of it. How to love an overthinking partner is a common question asked, and it’s understandable why there are so many different takes on how to deal with overthinking and how to support overthinkers.

Is overthinking toxic in a relationship?

Too much of anything can definitely affect an overthinker and the person around them. But it can lead to many misunderstandings and affects a person’s mental health if taken lightly.

Overthinking is a form of deep reflection or introspection and is typically seen as a negative trait by people on the receiving end or surrounding an overthinker. But my view is slightly different—overthinking partners may be more attuned to details and nuances because they think about every scenario before reacting or deciding.

If I tell you I love you. Chances are, I really mean it. Because I’ve thought of every possible scenario of what loving you means, played it out in my head several times, and despite of all the things I realized in the process, I still choose to love you.

What happens in the brain of an overthinker?

I tried to explain what goes on in my head to Dane as an overthinker. It may be different for others, but here’s an example scenario of what happens in my brain when I’m overthinking.

I lie down on the bed earlier than Dane does. This led him to follow a few minutes later. I told him he didn’t need to be on the bed with me and waste his idle time; He could continue doing what he was doing. And he replied, “it’s fine, babe.”

The overthinking starts and here’s what goes through my head:

What does he mean by “it’s fine, babe”? Is it like “it’s fine that I waste my time” or “it’s fine, I already turned my PC off anyway and don’t want to turn it back on” or was it simply “it’s fine” because it’s really just fine? But no that couldn’t be because his tone sounded like he was irritated. Was he irritated because of what I said? Does that irritation have anything to do with me or totally unrelated? Should I not have lied down yet? Or did he sound a bit more angry than irritated? What was his facial expression again when he said it? I think his eyebrows were slightly tense. Is it because he doesn’t want to lie down yet? Is it because of what I told him? But he also said “it’s fine”, should I just take the word for it? But then again.. yesterday when I said the same thing he said, “I want to spend my time with you, too.” so does it mean he doesn’t want to now? What did I do wrong?

A lot of that happens in a small amount of time, and when l am left to my thoughts, it typically leads to so much overanalyzing and overthinking for what is potentially just exactly what the word “it’s fine” means. Yet I am in on so much thought over a scenario that’s pretty trivial.

11 things to do if your partner is overthinking

There are a lot of things you can do to support and still love an overthinking partner. It doesn’t always mean you have to break up the relationship.

Remember that it isn’t their fault

Overthinkers don’t choose to overthink. It’s simply how your partner is wired. Extra patience is needed when dealing with overthinkers because they did not choose to overanalyze and think about worst-case scenarios.

Never tell them to just stop overthinking

Given above, it’s important to never tell them to just stop overthinking. If only it was that easy then we wouldn’t have any overthinkers today. Telling them to just stop overthinking will only stress them out. Allow them some time to process their thoughts and lend support when needed.

Communicate honestly

Overthinkers are observant, sometimes to a fault. Any form of a lie (including omission) no matter how small can make them spiral into thoughts. And it may lead to them being suspicious of you in the future. Being able to communicate with them honestly is a core requirement in a relationship. You can also use these communication rules to solidify your relationship even better.

Reassure them

Validating their feelings while making sure you mean it is a way to let them know that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes, all they need is someone to tell them that you’re there for them at every step or every scenario, no matter what happens.

Take the lead

Don’t be afraid to take the reins in decision-making when your partner struggles, especially for the small things. There are days when all the support they need is simply someone to decide for them so they don’t have to.

Choose your words carefully

Like my example above on what goes on in an overthinker’s head, choosing your words carefully is important when talking to your overthinking partner. Overthinkers can latch on even the smallest of things so taking a bit of time to choose your words carefully and speaking with compassion will go a long way.

..And be wary of your tone

Choosing the right words is important but so is the tone you choose to say them. A slight change in tone may lead them to think there is something wrong even if there isn’t. It’s not to say that you should always walk on thin ice when speaking with them, but remembering to be cautious of how you may sound is important even when speaking to non-overthinkers.

Never invalidate them

The complete opposite of what you want to do to support an overthinker is invalidating how they feel. Take note that they play different scenarios in their head, some may be unlikely to happen, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t take the time to analyze what each of those scenarios mean. Their overthinking is a way for them to figure out how to react or decide so invalidating them may only result to them feeling worse about their overthinking.

Listen

A good listener can go a long way when met with an overthinking partner. It helps them feel reassured, heard, and validated. Become a sounding board for their thoughts to help them process their ideas even better.

Be supportive

Let them know that you have their back, so they can allow themselves to be vulnerable with their thoughts at times.

..but also give them space if needed

Sometimes they may also need to be alone with their thoughts, and that’s also a way to love and support your overthinking partner. Give them space but also reassure them that you’re there if they need you.

Conclusion

Navigating a relationship with an overthinking partner can be a unique and nuanced experience. It’s crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, recognizing that overthinking is a natural aspect of how some individuals process their thoughts and emotions. While overthinking can often lead to unnecessary stress and misunderstandings, it also reflects a deep level of introspection and attention to detail that can enrich relationships when managed well.

Supporting an overthinking partner involves clear, honest communication, and a willingness to listen and validate their feelings. Small gestures, such as being mindful of your words and tone, can significantly impact their sense of security and trust. It’s important to remember that overthinkers often ruminate on scenarios because they care deeply and want to understand every facet of their interactions.

In relationships, mutual respect and patience are key. Instead of dismissing their concerns, offer reassurance and be proactive in decision-making when they feel overwhelmed. Equally, providing space when needed can help them process their thoughts more calmly.

Ultimately, loving an overthinker means embracing their thought process and offering consistent support. By fostering a compassionate environment, you can help alleviate the burdens of overthinking, paving the way for a more harmonious and resilient relationship.